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ACTING EDITION. 



JOHN D08BS. 




THOMAS HAILES LACY, 
THEATRICAL BOOKSELLER, 
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VOL. I. 
Silent Woman (A) 
I'll be jour Second 
Bombastes FurLso 
State Prisoner 
Tooth-ache 
Power and Principle 
Anything for a Change 
Hopeless Passion ,[sion 
Unwarrantable Intru- 
Thuraping Legacy (A) 
Box and Cox 
Left the Stage 
John Dobbs- 
Subterfuge (The) 
Twould Puzzle a Conju 
MacbethTraves:ie[ror 

VOL. II. 
Sink or Swim 
DiamoudCutDiaraond 
Critic 

Slasher and Crasher 
Not a Bad Judge 
Time Tries Ail 
Poor Cousin Walter 
Domestic Economy 
Ladies' Battle 
Cool a? a Cucumber 
Very Suspicious 
Box and Cox Married 
Betsy Baker 
Loan of a Lover 
Where there's a Will 
Stage Struck 

' VOL. III. 
r>ea"a> a Post 
Desperate Game 
A.S.S. 
Past Train 

Maid withMilkingPail 
Trying it on 
H,ir.dsomeHusband(A 
P.P. 

My First Fit of Gout 
Somebody Else— 
OJ.e-rerfield Thinskin 
Curious Caae(A) 
Little Toddlekins 
Whitebait ;;tGreenwich 

•tty Piece of Busi- 
er of Arts[ne8S 
T OL. 
*1"<A) 

theCorner 
a Cup 

Fa. 

Pro: rt 

Sutish 9 

Heads . 

A« Like . 

rsn out 01 

r^ourt of Oi 

Wife's L 
Good Little V « 
P<ougk Diamom. 
VOL V. 
Wonderful Worn a. 
Delicate G-ound 
Captain of the Watc* 
Two in the Morning 
Onlv a Clod 
Morning Call [Thing 
** -a vnch of a Good 



Stil dters Run Deep 
Cabinet Question (A) 
Married Daughters 
Dowager (The) 
Only a Halfpenny 
Blighted B2ing<A) 
My Wife's Mother 
Who Speaks Firsts 
F our Sisters 

VOL. VI. 
Wandering Minstrel 
Villikins and Dinah 
Day after theWedding 
Noeraie [pearances 
Don't Judge by Ap 
Heir at Law 
Spring and Autumn 
Taming a Tiger 
Cozy Couple [Name 
Give a Dog a Bad 
Paris and Back for £5 
Urgent Private Affairs- 
Grist to the Mill 
Jealous Wife 
John Jones 
Comedv an* Tragedy 

VOL. VII. 
Housekeeper 
Family failing [A 
Pride of the Market- 
False and Constant 
Prisoner of War 
Locked in with a Lady 
Tit for Tat 
Irish Post 
Iriah Doctor 
Hamlet T raves tie 
Follies of a Night 
Bird in 'he Hand (A.) 
Splendid Investment 
LerA me 53t=, (Bell 
Lord Lovell & Nancj 
Don' r lend your Um- 
VOL 8. (brella 
Victor Vanquished 
Done on both Sides 



She Stoops to Conquer, King Ftene's Daughter 
Crown Prince (The) 
Rights&WronesofWo 
In for a Holy day [man 
Wonder cultie* 

Romance under Difti 
Conjugal Lesson^AJ 
FascinatingFndividual 
Match Making 
Second Love. 
8enttothe Tower. 
Bamboozling 
Good for Nothing 
j Our Wife 

VOLUME 9. 
j Wicked Wife (A. 
Queen of Arragoa 
"^ousflas (his Castie 
iglishman's House, is 
^eriMacaire 
'es 2nd. 
» Faced People 
Tragedy (A) 
forau Hoar 
iug Man 



High Life below Stairs 
VOLUME 10. 

Victims 

Frederick of Prussia 

Was I to Blame 

FriendWagglea 

Nothing to Nurse 

Sudden Thoughts 

Rivals. 

Living too Fast 

Two Gay Deceivers 

Jeanne ttVs Wedding 

Very Serions Affair (A) 

Pair of Pigeons 

Brother Ben 

rake care of Dowb. — 

London Assurance 

Boots at the Swan 

VOLUME 11. 
Care for Heart Ache 
FaintHeart never won 
Dead Shot (FairLady 
Unfinished Gent. 
Irish Tiger 
Ticklish" Times 
Spectre Bridegroom 
Lucky Hit 
Love Knot 
Double Dummy 
Crossing the Line 
Birth Place of Podgers 
Nothing venture 

[nothing win 
Capital Match 
My Neighbors Wife 
YourLifesin Dan^e r 

VOLUME 12. 
Marriage a Lottery 
My Wife's Dentist 
Schoolfellows. ( himself 
Samuel in search of 
Doubtful Victory 
Sock Exchange 
Veteran of 102 (The 
Dying for Love 
Pierette 
:risU Turor 



Ve 



pa 

ina"* 
•d 



Last of the Pigtails 
Matrimony 
;ionnie Fish Wife 
Iwtce Told Tale, A 
\V0oiu2 in Jest etc. 

VOL. 13. 
Orhello Trave8tie 
MyAu.it's Husband 
Old Honesty 
3 Xext Birthday 
'orter's Knot 
Rule of Three 
'onr Pil'icoddy 
Milliner's Holiday 
Iron Chest 
L'nrning the Tables 
Nervous Man 
^oor Gintleman 
Everybody's Friend — 
Richard ye Thirds 

VOL. 14. 
Tunting a Turtle 
Retained for Defence 
Julius Cae e ,ir 
If the C ip fits 
Caught by the Ears 
Nine points of the Law 
Ici on parle Francab 



Three Cuckoos 
Payable on Demand 
Old Offender (AnJ 
House or the Home 
Rifle & how to use it 
Husband to order 
My Great Aunt 

VOLUME 15. 
My Hearts Idol 
Too Much for Good 

Mature 
Cramond Brig 
Love in Humble Life 
Rendevouz 
Viliage Lawyer 
Nurse y Cbickweed 
Good for Evil 



Mrs. Caudle's Curtain 
Love in Livery (Lecture 
Lodgings for Siigle 
Done Brown (Gents 
Marguerite's Cotouri 
Founded on Facts 
Roma.-i Actor 
Turnpike Gate 
Not to be done 
barefaced I m poster* 
Lady andGeu tlemaa 
in a PerplexingPre- 
Windmill{dicament 
Mew Footman 
Lucky Stars 
Norma Travesty 
Angel of the Attic 
Double-bedded Roow 
MyWife'sSecondFloo 
Mistaken Story 
Post of Honour 
Review 
House Dog 
Smoked Miser 
State Secrets 
Mummy 

Douglas Travestta 
Black Domino 
Love and Charily 
Delicate Attentions 
My Fellow Clerk 
No Followers 
Miller of Mansfield 
Railroad Station 
■ 

1 

II 
Ch 
N T a 
Blu- 

Ren "Jyu^ 
Dovi in a Cag« 
Painter of Ghent 
Man about Town 
Mrs. White 
Vandyke Brown 



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i7 Miser of: 

38 D elk ate 

59 Guy Ma 

T Capt. on 

VOLUIV 

1 Golden'l 

% R*><vt;, 

,3 Blue Be 

74 FairOrv 

75 Cymon 

76 Fortnn 
7" Invisih 
*" Islands 

Kins t 
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incel 
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Jirds Aj 
Drama 
Golden 
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194 My Hi 
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. 



JOHN DOBBS. 



A FARCE 
IN ONE ACT. 



By JOHN MADDISON MORTON, 

Author of "Who Stole the Pocket-Book," « Two Bonny castles,* 9 

" John Dobbs," " A Thumping Legacy," " Grimshaw, 

Bdgshaw, and Bradshaw," " Your Life's in Danger," 

" Going to the Derby," " Done on Both Sides," 

" Box and Cox," " Slasher and Crasher," 

" The King and I," " Brother Ben," 

" The Milliners 9 Holiday," 

(i The Irish Tiger," 

jv. $C. $c. 



THOMAS H A I L E S LACY, 

89. STRAND, 

ttompton Street, Covent Garden Market,) 
L O H D O X . 






TP5£*?7 



First Performed at the New Strand Theatre, 
April 23, 1849. 



CHARACTERS, 



Squire Fallowfield 

Major Frankman 

Peter Paternoster 

John Dobbs 

John 

Mrs. Chesterton 

Lucy (her Sister) 



Mr. C. BENDER. 
Mr. W. FORESTER. 
Mr. COMPTON. 
Mr. L. MURRAY. 
Mr. SANGER. 
Mrs. L. MURRAY. 
Miss ADAMS. 



Time in Representation, Forty Minutes. 



COSTUME 

K ru. 

SQUIRE. — First Dre} e .\ "looting coat, leather leggings, white 
vest. Second Dress — ivio/ning gown. 

MAJOR. — Blue military frock coat, blue trousers with gold lace 
stripe, cap. 

PATERNOSTER.— Brown dress coat, large gilt buttons, plaid 
trousers, and vest. 

DOBBS. — Fashionable bltlck frock coat, dark blue trousers, white 
vest. 

JOHN. — Livery frock coat, striped vest, breeches, top boots. 

Mrs. CHESTERTON.— Fashionable brown silk morning dress. 
LUCY. — White muslin morning dress. 



GIFT 
EST. OF J. H. CORNING 
i UNE 2C- 19-4-0 



JOHN DOBBS. 



rj P r- r* r*.-> , 



SCENE. — A handsomely furnished Apartment in the House of 
Squire Fallowfield — Door c, looking on to a lawn — Door, 
l.h. — Window, r.h. — A Piano Forte, l.h., and a music stool — 
Table, r.h. at bach, on which are boohs, newspapers, Sfc — Sofa, 
2 e.r.h., on which is worh-basket, and Berlin patterns — Chair, 
R.H. — Three chairs at back. 

Squire Fallowfield in shooting costume, belt and double- 
barrelled gun c.d., looking r.h. — Lucy is at the Piano — Major 
Frankman is at the R. of Piano, attending to Lucy — Mrs. 
Chesterton seated on the sofa, and Paternoster seated in a 
chair before Mrs. Chesterton, and holding a skein of silk, 
which she is winding. 

Squire, {whistling r.c.) Here — Ponto — Juno — come back! 
Zounds ! there they go, over the tulip-beds — so I think the best thing 
I can do is to follow them. Come, Frankmar "hat say you to a pop 
at the partridges, eh ? * ' 

Major, (l.) Why 

Lucy, (l.) You wouldn't be so ung TJr J» as to run away, Major ? 

Major. Not I, indeed. Squire, if 1 had only *his excuse for not 
attending you, {bowing to Lucy) which you must acknowledge a 
very fair one — you would, I am sure, consider it sufficient; but I have 
another, which must be attended to — namely my duty ; and as that 
duty happens to call me to head quarters at Canterbury, why to head 
quarters at Canterbury I must go. 

Squire. Then I must beat up for recruits elsewhere. Paternoster ! 
(Paternoster takes no notice) Paternoster ! you'll come with me ? 
(poking Paternoster with his gun) 

Pater, (r. turning round, and finding the muzzle of the gun 
close to his face) Don't ! I wish you wouldn't! {lifting up his hands, 
and entangling the silk which he is holding) 

Mrs. C. (r.) Dear, dear — how clumsy you are, Mr. Paternoster] 
— -Pater. I beg pardon 

Squire. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Pater. Yes, it's all very well for you to laugh — you've got hold of 
tbe right end of the gun — but I beg to observe, that when a gentle 



4 JOHN DOBBS. 

man hears himself appealed to, and, turning his head round, finds his 
nose within half an inch of the muzzle of a gun — and that gun, a gun 
with two barrels — the effect is infinitely more startling than agree- 
able. 

Squire. Why, zounds, man, it isn't loaded ! 

^ater. What of that ? Do you suppose a gun can't go off with- 
out being loaded ? That notion's exploded long ago ! 

Squire. Egad, it would rather astonish me if it did! 

-Pater. You? You mean it would rather astonish me! 

Mrs. C. {to Paternoster) A little higher, if you please ! 

Pater. Beg pardon, {raising his arms with evident discomfort to 
himself) 

Squire. Then you won't come? 

Pater. Certainly not. I'm too agreeably employed. I repeat, 
I'm too agreeably employed ! {looking tenderly at Mrs. C.) 

Mrs. C. A little higher ! 
--—Pater. Beg pardon, {raising his arms agamic.,) Besides, I don't 
pretend to call myself a sporting character. I don't like guns, and I 
don't like dogs — and I don't like partridges — except in their natural 
state, nicely browned, with plenty of bread sauce. I have been out 
shooting several times in my life, but I gave it up, because there was 
no variety in it. 

Squire. No variety? Come, come 

Pater. Not a bit ! I found it consisted of the same thing over and 
over again — namely, firing my gun Rt something or other, and miss- 
ing the something or other that I fired my gun at ! 

Squire. Why, zounds, man, it was only the other day that you 
told me you thought nothing of bringing down a brace of pheasants 
at a time ! 

Pater. No more I did! I used to bring them down from 
Leadenhall Market ! 

Mrs. C. {to Pater) A leetle higher ! 

Pater. Beg pardon. 0<*mng his hands, $•<?., $c.) 

Mrs. C. It's nearly done . ! 

Pater, {aside) So am 1 1 

Mrs. C. There ! {rises) I'm afraid your gallantry has given you 
a deal of trouble. 

Pater. Not at all. {rises) I'm not conscious of any unpleasant 
results, as yet, except a slight attack of pins and needles, {rubbing 
hi? arms) But what is there I would not undergo to please you ? 
{looking tenderly at Mrs. Chesterton.) 

Squire, (l. to Mrs. C.) Come, Mary, surely Paternoster's gal«« 
Ian try deserves some reward ? 

Pater, (c. to Mrs. C.) You hear what your venerable sire says? 
I hope you do — because it isn't very often he says anything worth 
hearing. And after all, I don't ask much. I only want you to marry 
me. You know I've been dying for you the last six months. 

Mrs. C. (r. smiling) Yet you don't look much the worse for it. 

Pater. No — the mischief is all internal. You wouldn't believe it 
to look at me — but I feel I'm gradually wasting away! I never 
should eat anything at all, if it wasn't for the appearance of the thing. 



JOHN DOBBS. 5 

And you, Mr. Fallowfield, instead of going out, and bringing down 
partridges, stop at home,, and see if you can't bag a son-in-law ! 

Squire, (l.) Hark ye, Paternoster, I make it a point never to 
interfere with my girls in these matters. I say to them, " Choose 
for yourselves." I said so to Mary before she married your late 
cousin, Tom Chesterton — I say so to her again now she's a widow : 
and I say so to my little Lucy, too, who hears every word I say plainly 
enough, though she does pretend to be absorbed in her music. 

Lucy, (rising hastily) Lor, pa ! why should I listen to anything 
bo perfectly uninteresting? (crosses behind to Mrs. C. aside to her) 
I say, Mary, how sensibly papa does talk upon certain subjects ! 

Enter John, with letters, c.d. 

John, (to Squire, and giving letters) Your letters, sir! (crosses 
to the Major) Please your honour, an Orderly has just ridden up to 
the Park Lodge with this letter for your honour. 

Maj. (taking letter) Thank you. Is my horse ready? 

John. Quite ready, your honour, (retires up to c.d.) 

Maj. (after reading letter) I find I must ride over to Canterbury 
immediately, (crosses to R. and takes his cap from table, and kissing 
Lucy's hand.) Ladies, good morning — Squire, Mr. Paternoster, good 
morning ! 

Squire. Good morning, Major ! 

Major boios, and exit c.d.l.h. 

"Pater, (c. boioingvery low) Good morning, Major! 
John, (about to follow Major — stops, and says to Mrs. Ches- 
terton) Oh, I beg pardon, ma'am, there's a box just come by the 
London coach for you, ma'am. 

Mrs. C. A box for me, John ? The last new fashions, I dare say ! 
Lucy. The last new opera, I hope ! Bring it in, John. Make 
haste ! 

John. Yes, miss, bring it in directly. 
r Exit C.D. 

Squire, (after reading a letter) Wheugh ! Of all the obstinate, 

determined, contumacious, conceited, persevering, impertinent 1 

stop for want of adjectives! 

Omnes What is the matter ? 

Squire. I'm almost chokmg — but whether it's with laughter or 
indignation, I can't exactly tell. This letter is the modest production 
of a modest gentleman, who condescends to do the united family of the 
Fallowfields the infinite honour of soliciting their acquaintance. 

Lucy. Who is he — who is he? 

Squire. Ask your sister, Mary, (gives the letter to Mrs. Ches- 
terton.) 

Mrs. C. (reading) " I have the honour to be, your most obedient 
servant" — Can it be possible ? — " John Dobbs !' 

Omnes. John Dobbs! 

Pater. Dobbs ! What, the same Dobbs — the identical Dobbs, 
who had the presumption to aspire to your hand before you married 
cousin Chesterton? 



JOHN DOBBS. 

Mrs. C. Yes — and whose absurd pretensions I twice treated with 
the contempt they deserved — refusing even to see him. 

Squire. Well, he's returned to the attack — and though he does 
not mention your name, Mary, depend upon it, he has quite made up 
bis mind to marry you, whether you will or not ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Mrs. C. Ha, ha, ha! 

Pater. Ha, ha, ha! The fellow's in the agricultural line — a sort 
of i aimer — isn't he ? 

Squire. Yes — his father, old Dobbs, held a small farm of mine 
for many years — and as young John, the aforesaid old Dobbs's son, 
seemed rather abb?e the common run of ploughboys and clodhoppers* 
the silly old man immediately set him down as a genius, sent him to 
school— in short, tried to make him a gentleman ! 

Pater. Just what my father tried to do with me — but I defied 
him ! The consequence is, that instead of being an idle gentleman 
with five hundred a year, I'm an active button manufacturer with 
as many thousands ! 

Squire. Well, some time ago I was simpleton enough to allow 
myself to be bit by the mania of speculation, and soon got into such 
a rabid state that I found myself seriously involved. I determined to 
sell part of my estate, and called my tenants together, to apprise them 
of my intentions. Old Dobbs arrived somewhat earlier than the rest, 
and requested to speak with me. You may imagine my surprise, 
when the old fellow — pulling 1 a greasy canvas bag out of his breeches 
pocket — says to me, " Squire, here be a tightish lump of money at 
your service, and what is more, I never wish to see a farthing of it 
again, if you'll only be agreeable to a bit of a condition I'm going to 
make." " What is it, Dobbs?" said I. " Why, Squire," said he— 
" my son John has taken a liking to your daughter, Miss Mary — and 
if you haven't any objection to the match, I'm sure I haven't." I 
heard no more — but giving way to my indignation, turned old Dobbs 
and his money out of the house ! Since that time I have heard no 
more of him, or his son, young John, and his absurd pretentions ; 
and I thought the young gentleman had quite left the neighbour-* 
hood — confound the fellow f 

Mrs. C. Now, don't annoy yourself, papa 

Lucy. Mary and I will put our heads together, and write him 
such a letter ! 

—Pater. Do! Give it young Dobbs well! Don't leave Dobbs, 
junior, a leg to stand on ! 

Enter John, c.d.l.h. with a small box, 

John. Here is the box, ma'am! {laying it on the table, and 

Cxit CD.) 

Lucy, (r.l.) Now, then Oh, Mary, look here ! (taking out a 

paper packet, and reading) " To Mrs Chesterton " What can it be ? 
Have I your permission ? Ha, ha! (opens paper, and shews a red 
morocco case — she opens it) Oh ! 

Mrs. C. (r. looking) Ah ! 

Squire, (l.. looking) Oh! 

Pater, (c.) May I venture to enquire the cause of all this 



JOHN DOBBS. 7 

Ah-oh-ing— to say nothing of the Oh-ha-ing ? 

Lucy. A portrait of Mary ! Look, Mr. Paternoster—isn't it like 
her? 

Squire. Absolute identity ! 

Mrs. C. My very self! 

Pater. Well, I can't say I think so. To be sure, there's no mis- 
taking the eyes — and nose— and mouth— and so on, but I solemnly 
declare I never should have recognized the bonnet! I decidedly 
object to the bonnet ! 

Mrs. C. Well, this is certainly most gallant — and from a stranger, 
too ! (Lucy and the Squire retire up to piano.) 

Pater. A stranger! 

Mrs. C. Yes, a young gentleman — an artist, I presume, — with 
whom I danced one or two quadrilles at our County Ball last week. 

Pater. One or two quadrilles? {severely) Perhaps one or three? 

Mrs. C. No matter! He requested that 1 would permit him to 
paint my portrait— from memory ! 

"Pater. From memory ! Well, he must have looked at you 
pretty hard ! He must have regularly rivetted you with his orbs — I 
say, with his orbs ! A young painter, too ? If he'd been one of the 
old Masters, I shouldn't so much have cared— but I really don't 
know a more conceited, self-sufficient class of the community than 
these young painters — plumbers and glaziers 

Mrs. C. An artist, if you please, Sir 

Pater. Of course— they're all artists ! 

Mrs. C. I never met a more gentlemanly person. 

Pater. That's right, Mrs.C. — overwhelm him with praises ! Why 
not call him a Sir Thomas Corregio or a Sir Joshua Vandyke, at once ? 
(crosses to l.h.) 

Mrs. C. Fshaw! 

Squire. Holloa ! a lover's quarrel ? I'm off! (Lucy crosses to 

R.H.) 

Lucy. Then Mary and I will remain here and prepare an answer 
to Mr. John Dobbs's letter. 

Mrs. C. The best thing we can do, since the gentlemen are leaving 
.us. (pointedly to Paternoster) Both the gentlemen 

Lucy. Both the gentlemen 

Pater. Oh — ah ! That's as much as to tell me to 

Squire, (coming doton, and seizing hold of Paternoster's left 
arm) Come, along, Paternoster ! (drags him off, c.d.l.h.) 

Mrs. C. Ha, ha, ha. 

Lucy. Ha, ha, ha ! Sister of mine, you certainly do treat poor 
Mr. Paternoster very cruelly. 

Mrs. C. Surely not worse than Mr. Paternoster treats me. He 
offers me the choice of two evils — his hand in marriage, or an action 
at law ! 

Lucy. For the recovery of the larger portion of his cousin 
Chesterton's property — which, although at present enjoyed by 
his youthful widow, Mr. Paternoster maintains justly belongs 
to himself. And yet I firmly believe Mr. Paternoster loves you 
sincerely. 



8 JOHN DOBBS. 

Mrs. C. If I was not sure of it, do you think I should tease him 
in every way that I possibly can ? Ha, ha ! 

Lucy. Such, for instance, as showing him this portrait of yourself ! 
By the bye, Mary, who is your young friend ? 

Mrs. C. He has a name, I presume, but I am ignorant of it. All 
that I do know is, that during our last quadrille he requested per- 
mission to paint my portrait. 

Lucy. Which permission you granted ? 

Mrs. C. Merely upon the principle that talent ought to be en- 
couraged. 

Lucy. I am delighted to hear you say so — for do you know, 
Mary — during my last visit to our dear old aunt, at Bath, I met a 
gentleman — a young gentleman, who wrote the sweetest ballads, set 
them to the sweetest music, and sang them in the sweetest style — well, 
he begged I would permit him to dedicate his last composition to me. 

Mrs. C. Of course you declined ? 

Lucy. Not I, indeed ! Why shouldn't I encourage talent as well 
as you ? But now, Mary, what is to be done with this dreadful Mr. 
John Dobbs ? Perhaps, Mary, as you won't have him, — he's changed 
his mind, and means to pop to me ! Ha, ha ! Poor Major Frankman ! 
h'ed be a second Othello ! Ha, ha ! 

Mrs. C. If Mr. Dobbs should do so, which, (conceitedly) I con- 
fess I do not think very likely — of course you would crush his impor- 
tunities, as I did. 

Lucy. Lor, sister ! I couldn't crush the young man. Besides, 
after all, there would be-no very great crime in his wanting to marry 
me. 

Mrs. C. Remember my experience, Lucy. It was in a great measure 
to avoid Mr. John Dobbs's persecution that I married Mr. Chesterton. 
No sooner had I become a widow than this Dobbs — this persevering 
tormentor of mine — who, it appears, had in a fit of despair enlisted 
into a marching regiment — appeared once more in the field ! He pro- 
posed to me again — he, Dobbs ! at most a non-commissioned officer — 
think of that, Lucy! Now, Lucy, confess — were it not far better to 
remain single all your life than to become Mrs. John Dobbs? 

Lucy. I don't know. Single blessedness is all very well for girls 
between seventeen and eighteen — after that, it begins to grow rather 
monotonous. 

Mrs. C. Well, if the prospect alarms you, I'll resign Mr. Paternos- 
ter to you. (smiling, crosses to l.h.) 

Lucy (crosses to r.) You're very kind — ha, ha! But here he 
comes! I declare the poor man haunts you like a ghost! I'll make 
my escape — a third person is always in the way ! (aside to Pater- 
noster, who enters CD. ) Courage, brother-in-law — Courage! 

Exit R.H. 

Pater. Brother-in-law! She said brother-in-law! Extaticword! 
(hurrying to Mrs. C.) Here — on my knees — let me — (making an 
attempt to kneel. ) 

Mrs. C. (smiling) Don't trouble yourself to kneel. 

Pater. Thank you. Between you and me, I'd as lieve let it alone! 
So my adorable widow has made up her mind at last ? 



JOHN DOBBS. 9 

Mrs. C. I'm afraid I don't understand you. 

■ Pater. Come, that won't do! You've fixed the happy day, 

haven't you ? 

Mrs. C. {affecting ignorance) What happy day ? 

Pater, {tenderly) Our happy day ! 

Mrs. C. Our happy day ? 

Pater. My happy day ! 

Mrs. C. Your happy day? 

Pater. Come, come ! 

Mrs. C. Where ? 

Pater. Playful pleasantry ! {aside) Rather a nuisance ! {aloud) 
Then — in a word — have you fixed the day of our union, or have you 
not ? That's my question ! 

Mrs. C. I have not ! That's my answer ! 

Pater. Ah, I see how it is, Ma'am ! A week ago we were the 
best friends in the world, Ma'am — you hadn't received that wretched, 
contemptible daub of a portrait, Ma'am ! I say a daub, Ma'am ! 

Mrs. C. So, so — jealous, I declare! Ha, ha! 

Pater. Don't flatter yourself, Ma'am ! — only slightly purple with 
indignation at your sudden partiality for a paltry — plumber an<f 
glazier ! 

Mrs. C. Ha, ha, ha! 

Pater. Very well — you know the consequences, Ma'am — the law 
shall take its course — Paternoster versus Chesterton shall certainly 
go on ! 

Mrs. C. With all my heart — ha. ha, ha ! 

Squire, {without, l.h.) Zounds ! mind what you are about— 
gently ! 

Mrs. C. Papa's voice ! What can have happened to him ! 

Runs to meet the Squire, who enters c.d., leaning on John. 

Squire. Don't alarm yourself, Mary — it's nothing worth men- 
tioning. A chair ! 

Mrs. C. {to Paternoster, impatiently) A chair! — don't you 
hear? 
-Pater, {takes chair from r. and offers it to Mrs. C.) 

Mrs. C. For papa ! 

Pater, {places chair for Squire, c.) 

Squire, {seats himself) Thank'ee. Wheugh ! 

Exit John c.d. 

Mrs. C. Now, tell me 

Squire. It's soon explained. The fact is — somehow or other — I 
forgot I wasn't quite as young or as active as I was thirty years ago, 
80 I tried to jump over a ditch 

Pater. And failed ? 

Squire. Signally — fell plump into the middle of it ! 

Pater. Delicious ! Ha, ha ! (Mrs. C. looks at Mm severely — he 
checks himself) 

Squire. However, luckily a young gentleman happened to be 
riding by at the time, who immediately dismounted — lugged me out 
of the ditch— put me on his nag, and brought me home. 



10 JOHN DOBBS* 

Mrs. C. Oh, Mr. Paternoster, run over to Canterbury for a doc- 
tor immediately ! 

Pater. Run over to Canterbury ! Four miles there — and — about 
the same distance back again. Thank'ee ! 

Squire, There's no necessity for that, for by another slice of good 
luck, my young friend- in-need turns out to be a medical man him- 
gelf, and 

Dobbs. {without, l.h.) Now, be quick — get the bath ready — 
plenty of hot flannels — good rough towel — rub down well — then 
into bed — basin of gruel, with a glass of sherry — profuse perspiration 
— sleep like a top, and up again in the morning as lively as a kitten ! 

Enter Dobbs, c.d. 

— {to the Squire) Ah ! better already, eh ? I see you are, — wish 
you joy! 

Mrs. C. (looking at Dobbs) What do I see ? 

Dobbs. (bowing with an air of polite reserve) Madam, your 
servant ! 

Mrs. C. It is he ! 

Pater. He ? What he ?— which he ?— who he ? 

Mrs. C. The gentleman I was speaking of. 

Pater. Oh ! — what ! the painter — the plumber— (seeing 
Dobbs's eye fixed on him) I mean the talented producer of that 
exquisite portrait ? 

Mrs. C. Which you called a wretched, contemptible daub ! 

Dobbs. (to Paternoster) Thank you. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Pater, (very loud) Ha, ha, ha ! (aside) He seems a good-tem- 
pered sort of painter enough ! I'll give him another dig ! (aloud) 
So you're an artist, Sir ? 

Squire. An artist? Pooh! no such thing. I tell you, he's a 
doctor. 

Dobbs. Neither the one nor the other, by profession — yet both, 
en amateur, I studied medicine, that my services might be ready 
if required — as in your case, (to Squire) I studied the art of 
painting, that I might be able to secure to myself the recollection of 
features I might never behold again — as in your case, (bowing to 
Mrs. Chesterton) Thus, you see, I am ready in either capacity 
to oblige my friend ; and to prove it, (to Paternoster) if at any 
time you've a quarter-of-an-hour to spare, I'll take you or your leg 
off, with the greatest pleasure in life ! 

Pater. Thank'ee! It's very handsome of you to give me the 
preference, but my time happens to be fully employed just now, and 
is likely to be so for a considerable period. 

Dobbs. Ha, ha! (taking out watch, and taking Squire's hand) 
Pulse better already! Then I think we may dispense with the 
leeches to-night. Pity to waste them, though, (to Paternoster) 
Perhaps you 

Pater. Don't apply your leeches to me, Sir ! 

Dobbs. Ha, ha, ha ! you're offended — you look like it ! (Pater. 
looks indignant) There's an expression ! If you'd only keep just as 
you are till I run down to the inn for my sketch book 



JOHN DOBBS. 11 

Pater. Pooh, Sir ! I say, pooh, Sir ! 

Enter Lucy, hastily, r.h. 

Lucy. Oh, my dear papa! (kissing Squire) 

Mrs. C. Don't be alarmed, Lucy. This gentleman pronounces 
the accident a very trivial one. 

Dobbs. A mere nothing, I assure you. 

Lucy. Oh, Sir {looking up at Dobbs) Ha ! 

Pater. Now, she's beginning! 

Dobbs. (without noticing Lucx's exclamation) However r my 
dear Sir — (to Squire) I shall still recommend the hot bath 

Squire. Very well. Must obey the doctor's orders; so come 
along, Paternoster — lend me your arm 

Mrs. C. (impatiently, to Paternoster) Your arm — don't you 
hear ? (Paternoster offers his arm to her) For papa ! (very loud 
— Paternoster crosses to Squire) 

Dobbs. (stepping in before him, and taking Squire's arm) A 
trifle too late — ha, ha! (he and the Squire retire towards l.h.d. 
— Paternoster crosses back to r. in a rage) 

Mrs. C. (aside to Lucy) Why, Lucy, one would imagine you had 
seen this young doctor before. 

Lucy. Doctor? 

Mrs. C. Well — this artist, if you prefer it. 

Lucy. Artist — doctor ? He's neither one nor the other. He is a 
musician ! 

Pater (overhearing) A musician ? A mu Here Squire — stop ! 

He's not a doctor ! 

Squire, (going) Pshaw ! 

Pater, (shouting) Stop ! He's not a painter ! 

Squire, (going) Pooh ! 

Pater, (crossing to L.) Stop ! He's a mu 

Squire. Stuff! 

Exit l.h.d. Dobbs politely sees him to door, then crosses to C. 
Pater, (shouting) — Sician — a musician — a mu 
Enter John, l.h. 

John. Master's bath is quite ready, (sees Dobbs — starts) Eh ? it© 
— yes it is ! 

Pater. Now he's beginning ! Do you know him ? 

John. Know him? I should think so. Why he rode old Moonraker 
at our last steeple chase ! 

Exit l.h 

Pater, (shouting) Here, Squire — stop ! He's not a doctor — he's not 
a painter — he's not a musician — he's a moonchaser ! I should say, a 
steeple-raker ! I mean, he rode old Moonchaser — I mean, old Steeple- 
raker, at our last moon chase ! I mean, at our last steeple rake ! Here, 

sto P ? Buns out L.H.D. 

Dobbs. (aside) Come, I've found my way into the enemy's camp 
at last. Egad, if they only knew who I am — (looking at Mrs. Ches- 
terton.) — and there she stands, as beautiful as ever! Pshaw — don't 



12 JOHN DOBBS. 

let me forget that she has insulted me — humiliated me ! Proud woman, 
it will soon be my turn, {aloud) Ha, ha ! I really seem to have given 
your pugnacious friend some violent cause of offence. 

Mrs. C. Why your presence here, sir, has certainly caused a little 
excitement. Even my sister recognised you. 

Dobbs. {bowing to Lucy) Your sister ? 

Lucy. Yes. I knew you again the moment I saw you. Indeed, 
it was only this morning I was practising that beautiful ballad you 
were so polite as to dedicate to me. 

Dobbs. {aside) If she had known that beautiful ballad was 
composed by John Dobbs, it would have lighted the kitchen fire, or 
served as curl papers for the cook and housemaid before this, {aloud) 
At Bath! {crosses to c.) True — I remember perfectly, almost charm- 
ing voice ! 

Lucy. And yet you had entirely forgotten me. 

Dobbs. Nay, I never forget my pupils — {bowing to Lucy) — nor 
my models, {bowing to Mrs. Chesterton) Indeed, there are 
features which so indelibly impress themselves upon our memory, 
that neither time nor absence can efface them, {looking alternately 
at Mrs. Chesterton and Lucy.) 

Mrs. C. {aside) Does he mean that for me or Lucy ? 

Lucy, {aside) I wonder if that's intended for me or Mary ? 

Enter Paternoster, l.h.d. running. 

Pater. Wheugh ! Here I am again ! {looking fiercely at Dobbs.) 

Dobbs. {looking indifferently at Paternoster) I believe you 
spoke? 

Pater. I believe I did — rather ! I said here I am again : though 
I dare say my presence here is not very welcome. 

Dobbs. Then the question very naturally suggests itself, why did 
you come ? But you are quite mistaken — a good laugh is always 
welcome. 

Pater. Ha, ha, ha ! Very good — very smart, indeed ! {aside) 
I've half a mind to say something dreadfully severe — only I don't 
exactly know how to set about it. {crosses to c. aloud) I am deputed 
by Mr. Fallowfield to say that he requires the presence of hi* 
daughters — both his daughters ! 

Lucy. Papa's not worse ! Surely that's not the cause ? 

Pater. No ; I wish it was. No — I don't mean that ! — I 
mean 

Dobbs. You don't appear to me to have quite made up your mind 
as to what you do mean. 

Pater. I'm not aware, sir, that I addressed my conversation to 
you, either individually or collectively, {aside) That was rather 
severe ! 

Mrs. C. Will you explain ? What is the matter ? 

Pater. WTiy our young friend, Mr. John Dobbs, is the matter ? 

Mrs. C. Again ! 

Pater. Yes. Your worthy father was just stepping into his hot bath 
— very improper treatment, by the bye, for a man who obviously 
ought to keep himself cool {speaking at Dobbs.) 



JOHN DOBBS. 13 

Dobbs. (smiling) As you do. 

Pater, (violently) Yes, sir, as I do ; — well, he was just stepping 
into his hot bath, as I said before — very improper treatment, by the 
bye 

Dobbs. Yes — you said that before ! 

Pater. I wish you wouldn't speak, sir ! 

Dobbs. I wish you would! 

Pater. Then the long and the short of it is 

Dobbs. Never mind the long — stick to the short ! 

Pater. I shall stick altogether, if you keep interrupting in this 
way! However, Mr. John Dobbs, Junior, has just sent a man t« 
know if there's any answer to his letter, in which, as you know, he 
requested permission to present his objectionable person at Fallow- 
field Hall. 

Dobbs. (aside) True enough! I gave the fellow half a crown 
to bring the message to the house, and promised to double it, if he 
got kicked out of it. 

Mrs. C. Was there ever such effrontery? Ha, ha! 

Pater. A low-bred, ignorant farming fellow, who won't take 
a hint. But there are some folks who never will take a hint. 
(pointedly to Dobbs — then aside) That's another dig. 

Dobbs. (indifferently) Ah ! 

Pater. And who will insist on forcing their society upon other 
folks. • 

Dobbs. Ah, very wrong indeed in some folks, and very hard upon 
other folks — very ! 

Pater. So your father wishes to speak to you — (to Mrs. Ches- 
terton) — on the subject of our approaching marriage, (-pointedly 
at Dobbs) I say, our approaching marriage! 

Dobbs. Ha, ha ! Why address yourself so pointedly to me, 
my dear sir ? If you want my consent, why don't you ask for it at 
once? 

Pater. Your consent ? Stuff — pooh ! All I have to say to you, 
sir, is, that with so many professions on your hands at once — 
namely, a painter, a plumber — I mean, a painter, and doctor, and 
musician, and moonchaser — I should say, steeple-raker — why your 
time must be too valuable to waste here any longer, and so I'll just 
tell John to bring your horse round to the door immediately. 

Dobbs. A perfect waste of time on John's part, as John will most 
indubitably have to take the horse back again from whence John 
brought him. I dine here — indeed, I'm not certain that I don't 
sleep here ! 

Pater. Perhaps you haven't quite made up your mind whether 
you don't live here altogether? 

Dobbs. Why, if you insist upon it— — 

Pater. Absurd ! (crosses behind to R.) 

Mrs. C. Come, Lucy (Ladies cross to L.) 

Dobbs. Ladies, I kiss your hands 

Pater. Humbug! (advancing to MR3. Chesterton and Lucy) 
May I be allowed? 

Dobbs. (stepping in before him, and offering his arm to Mrs. 



14 JOHN DOBBS. 

Chesterton and Lucy) Permit me (to Paternoster) A trifle 

too late again — ha, ha, ha! (handing Ladies to l.h.d. They 
exeunt. Dobbs crosses to r.h. humming an air) La la la la la! 

Pater, (aside) Now he's singing! (singing very loud) Do, re, fa, 
sol — (crosses to Dobbs, singing very loud) — fa, sol, la, fa, sol, la, 

do! (re-crosses to l., and thumps piano) Do, re (Dobbs throw* 

himself on sofa, and reads newspaper) Now he's beginning to read ! 
(advancing to him) Sir — I say, sir 

Dobbs. Eh ? (looking at Paternoster.) 

Pater. I wish to that is, I 

Dobbs. Exactly ! {reading again.) 

Pater. Will you allow me to ask you a question — several ques- 
tions ? 

Dobbs. By all means. Go on — don't be shy. 

Pater. Ahem ! Have you resided long in this neighbourhood ? 

Dobbs. No ! 

Pater. Do you intend to settle in it? 

Dobbs. Perhaps! 

Pater. As a painter? 

Dobbs. Why — urnph! 

Pater. Or a doctor? 

Dobbs. Why — umph ! 

Pater. Or a musician ? ^^ 

Dobbs. Why — umph! 

Pater. Why — umph? I never had to encounter a more irri- 
tating style of dialogue — (aloud) — unless, indeed, you are not wha 
you appear to be ! (with intention.) 

Dobbs. Possibly! 

Pater. Oh, then you wish to conceal who you really are ? 

Dobbs. Probably ! 

Tater. And you've your reasons for it ? 

Dobbs. Certainly ! 

Pater, (aside) I never heard such a limited vocabulary in m; 
life ! (aloud) Then, sir, allow me to observe that your conduct is, fc 
say the least of it, suspicious. You are aware that there are tw< 
females in this house, sir, young, rich, and pretty 

Dobbs. Ha! 

Pater. Perhaps you've an eye to one of them? 

Dobbs. Oh! 

Pater. Which, sir — which? 

Dobbs. Ah ! 

Pater. Is it the widow ? 
Dobbs. Oh! 

Pater, (aside) I shall have a fit of convulsions presently — I'n 
sure I shall ! (aloud) Then, sir, I'll be more communicative than yoi 
are ! Ahem ! You must know, sir, that I'm a button manufacturer, o; 
a large scale ! 

Dobbs. (rises) On a large scale ? You allude to the buttons, I pre 
sume ? 

Pater. And I love the widow — I adore the widow — and if a rivs 
should presume to present himself, why— dash my wig 



JOHN DOBBS. 15 

Dobbs. Wig ! You mean buttons ! 

Pater. I'd send a brace of pistols through his head! 

Dobbs. Bullets and all? Ha, ha ! 

Pater. I would— by Jove, I would ! {kicking chair over 

Enter Mrs. Chesterton, d.l.h. 

Mrs. C. What is the matter ? 

Pater. You've come just in time. I was gradually getting into a 
passion. 

Dobbs. And I assure you this gentleman's passion is no joke — es- 
pecially for the furniture, (picks up chair.) 

Mrs. C. What does it mean? 

Pater. It means, Mrs. C, that this mysterious stranger (looking 
at Dobbs.)— is'nt in the neighbourhood for nothing. It can't be to 
paint the inhabitants, for they're all ugly ! 

Dobbs. (to Mrs. C.) That's gallant ! (smiling) 

Pater. I'm speaking of the male species, Sir. 

Dobbs. (boioing to him) Oh, then, I perfectly agree with you. 

Pater. And as for music — we've no ears ! 

Dobbs. (smiling) I'm sure you ought to have ! 

Pater. Besides, there's no opportunity for you. If you want to 
play the parish organ — we've got none ! 

Dobbs. No Parish ? 

Pater, (shouting) No organ ! No, no — it isn't that that brings 
you here, Sir. You know it isn't — and unless I'm very much mis- 
taken, this lady knows it isn't. 

Mrs. C. Mr. Paternoster ! 

Patbr. Yes, Ma'am, I've my suspicions. That meeting at the 
County Ball, Ma'am ; then the portrait, Ma'am ; then the plumber 
himself— I mean the painter, Ma'am ! The thing's clear — I've a 
rival ! 

Mrs. C. Mr. Paternoster ! are you mad ? 

Dobbs. (advancing upon Paternoster, who retreats r.h.) 
And pray, Sir, let me ask you by what right do you interfere ? I 
repeat, by what right 

Pater. Now, don't put yourself in such a dreadful state of excite- 
ment — don't ! 

Dobbs. If I have a secret, Sir, that's my affair, not yours, (very 
loud) That's my affair ! 

Patbr. I hear you — but that's no reason why the people in the 
next county should ! A secret ? A declaration — to my very face — 
before my very eyes ! 

Dobbs. A declaration? Oh! 

Pater. Don't let me have any more of your "Ohs 1" Mrs, C, 
that gentleman or I must leave the house ! Tell him to go, Mrs. C, 
or else 

Dobbs. Well, Sir? 

Patbr. Or else, as I said before, Paternoster versus CheBtertoa 
fihall certainly go on ! 

Dobbs. Then Paternoster will certainly luse I 

Patbr. Pooh—absurd I 



16 JOHN DOBBS. 

Do bbs. Well, I merely give you my opinion as an attorney. 

Pater. An attorney ? Damme, he's everything ! 

Do bbs. Yes, the case is clearly against you. Vide 2nd of George 
the Third, cap. 5, sec. 2. Besides, you remember the great cause of 
Grigsby versus Bigsby — parallel case entirely, — to say nothing of 
Hopkins versus Popkins. Indeed, the late Lord Mansfield, in the 
case of Hobson versus Dobson, tried before his Lordship at the Car- 
rickfergus Assizes, in October, 1814, distinctly, positively, and em- 
phatically said 

Pater. That'll do, Sir. I don't want to know what Lord Car- 
rickfergus said to Dobson and Bobson, at the Mansfield Assizes — nor 
this lady, either. 

Dobbs. Unless she condescends to request my professional advice. 

Pater. Which she certainly does not ! 

Mrs. C. Which I certainly do ! 

Pater. Very well, Ma'am ! (crosses to L.c.) If you choose to 
throw away your six-and-eightpences, that's your affair. I'll go to 
law. I don't care about what your pettifogging attorney says — I 
don't care about George the Fifth, sec. 3, cap. 1814, — I don't care 
what Lord Jobson said to Bobson — I mean, what Lord Bobson said 
to Never mind ! And as for you, Sir, allow me to tell you— - 

Dobbs. (brosses to him) What, Sir ? 

Pater. Nothing ! (runs off l.h.d.) 

Dobbs. Ha, ha, ha ! Poor Buttons ! 

Mrs. C. Surprise upon surprise ! A lawyer ? 

Dobbs. Enough of one, at any rate, Ma'am, to offer you my ser- 
vices. 

Mrs. C. Really, Si r I 

Dobbs. Unless, indeed, this proposed marriage with Mr. Pater- 
noster is, in reality, less formidable than it would appear to be. 

Mrs. C. Sir, I 

Dobbs. At any rate he'll not easily renounce his pretensions, 
neither should I, were I in his place, although a refusal is not the 
most agreeable thing in the world ! (looking attentively at Mrs. C, 
then resuming a gayer manner) Come, Madam — what say you? 
Are you willing to shelter yourself under my legal battery, and see 
me blow poor Mr. Paternoster out of the water ? 

Mrs. C. Sir, I really do not know 

Dobbs. How to act ? Nothmg so simple. Accept a consultation 
— meet me here in half an hour — (Mrs. C. starts) — professionally of 
course! 

Mrs. C. Sir I 

Dobbs. Accept ! Thank you. You will be alone t 

Mrs. C. Sir, I 

Dobbs. Agree ! That's settled ! 

-Pater, (without) Now, come along 

Dobbs. The enemy's in sight. Leave all to me. (seats himself at 
piano) 

Enter Paternoster, pulling on the Squire with him, Lvly 

following l.h.d. 



JOHN DOBBS. 17 

Squire. Nonsense! 

-Pater. But 1 tell you it is 

Dobbs. ( plays the piano) 

Pater. Now he's playing the piano ! (to Squire) I repeat, that 

here, on this very spot, not five minutes ago, I distinctly heard 

Dobbs. (playing and singing) 

u As I was going down de street, down de street," &c. 

Pater, (to Dobbs) Don't play so loud, Sir. I wish you were 
going down the street ! (to Squibe) I repeat, that I clearly and 
distinctly heard 

Dobbs. (very loud) 

" And it's no use knocking at the door," &c. 

Pater. Don't make such a noise, Sir ! 

Squire. Hang me, if everybody in the house doesn't seem in a 
conspiracy to annoy me. 

Pater, (shouting) Well, but, Squire 

Dobbs. (looking round at Paternoster) Don't make such a 
noise, Sir — you disturb the Squire. 

Squire. I've had nothing but worry, worry, all day long. First, 
no one would go out shooting with me — then I tumble into a ditch — 
then in comes Mr. John Dobbs's letter 

Dobbs. (aside) Then Mr. John Dobbs himself— ha, ha ! 

Squire. By the bye, Lucy, I told you to get an answer ready for 
this young persevering puppy, declining the distinguished honour of 
his acquaintance. 

Dobbs. Persevering puppy ! Thank ye, Squire — I owe you one ! 

Lucy. I'm sure, papa, I don't know what to say. I don't wish to 
hurt the young man's feelings. 

Pater. Feelings ? Pooh ! Besides, he's not a young man — he's a 
farmer — so don't stand upon any ceremony with the fellow, Miss Lucy, 
but take my advice, and that is- 

Dobbs. (playing and singing.) 

" Take your time, Miss Lucy !" 

Pater. Hush ! (very loud) I repeat, take my advice, and that 

is 

Dobbs. (plays and sings very loud) 

16 It's no use knocking at the door," &c. 

Pater. I wish you'd leave off that bang, bang, Sir ! — you'll dis- 
locate the piccolo ! 

Squire. The letter must go, or we shall never be free from Mr. 
John Dobbs's persecution, that's quite clear. 

Mrs. C. I have prepared an answer for Mr. Dobbs, papa, and 
here it is. (shewing letter) 

Squire. That's right, Mary. 

Pater. I only wish I could find myself face to face with this small 
son of a farmer — I mean, this son of a small farmer. 

Mrs. C. Nay, he's now a soldier — a hero — perhaps a drummer, 
or a corporal, with two stripes on his arm 

Pater, And two dozen across his shoulders I 1 don't believe this 



18 JOHN DOBBS. 






&llow, Dobbs, ever was ra love with you. Though your father might 
be a little involved, he knew deuced well the storm would soon blow 
over, and you would have a handsome dowry. That was his game, de- 
pend upon it. 

Dobbs. {suddenly coming down behind Paternoster.) Hold ! 
Let me tell you, sir, that John Dobbs is an honest man, and as in- 
capable of an unworthy action as yourself, or any other button manu- 
facturer on a large scale in the United Kingdom ! 

Pater, (aside) Hollo! The mysterious stranger is getting into a 
state of combustion ! 

Squire, (to Dobbs.) Heyday ! Are you acquainted with 
Mr. John Dobbs ? 

Dobbs. Known him for years. We went to sea in the same ship. 

Pater. Sea 'I — ship ? Now he's a sailor ! 

Dobbs. In short, I may safely say we have never parted; and were 
I to suffer him to be calumniated in silence, I should be unworthy the 
name of a gentleman and a soldier. 

Pater. A soldier ? Only give him time, and I shouldn't be sur- 
prised if he turned out to be the bench of bishops ! 

Dobbs. I have to apologize for this interference in a family mat- 
ter, but really my friend Dobbs's history is very singular — so singu- 
lar, that, with your permission, I will relate it precisely as I had it 
itom his own lips, (they all look confused) Don't be alarmed — I'll 
not trouble you with any unnecessary details, but come at once to 
that period of Dobbs's life when he first fell — or, I might say, plunged 
into love, (looking fixedly at Mrs. Chesterton) The lady's name 
he declined to mention, but she did my friend Dobbs the honour of 
holding him and his in the most sovereign contempt. She refused, 
even, to see him. (smiling) There, I really think, she was wrong — for 
I assure you my friend Dobbs is by no means an ill-looking fellow. 

Mrs. C. (aside) He may have been very handsome — perhaps I 
ought, at least, to have seen him ! 

Dobbs. Well, poor Dobbs — who, by the bye, is one of the most 
obstinate dogs that ever lived — swore that the lady should be his 
wife. But it was not to be — she became the wife of another — a vain, 
siily man, as he heard 

Pater. I beg your pardon, sir, but that vain, silly man, happens 
to have been my cousin. (Mrs. Chesterton by signs tells him to 
be silent) 

Dobbs. I'm very sorry for it — but I'm telling a story as it was 
told to me. Well, poor Dobbs, finding himself unsuccessful in the 
Court of Cupid, determined to try his fortune in the Camp of Mars — 
in other words, he enlisted into a marching regiment. 

Mrs. C. (aside) Poor young man ! He must indeed have 
k-ved me. 

Dobbs. He joined his regiment in India — but before he sailed, he 
made one more appeal to the lady, who, in the mean time, had be- 
come a widow, but all in vain. He was again rejected — but this 
time the lady fairly lost her temper. By the bye, he gave me the 
lady '8 letter to read. I have it here, (taking out a letter, and show- 
ing it to Mrs. Chfstbrton) will you favour me with your opinion 
of it? 



JOHN DOBBS. 19 

Mrs. C. No. (aside) He little knows I wrote it! 

Do bbs. Well, John Dobbs at length obtained the summit of his 
ambition — a commission in her Majesty's service — and having re- 
turned to old England, he tells me he again means to lay siege to this 
obdurate lady, (they all look at each other) Poor Dobbs ! another 
repulse, doubtless, awaits him. But I really beg pardon for this un- 
pardonable intrusion on your time and patience, and in taking my 
leave, I beg leave to offer my thanks to you, sir — (to the Squire) — 
for your kindness and hospitality to a stranger — to you, Ladies, for 
your condescension — above all, to you, sir — (to Paternoster) — 
for the many hearty laughs you have so liberally afforded me, at your 
own expence! I now retire, merely claiming from one and all a little 
more indulgence and kindly feeling towards my absent friend, and 
comrade, John Dobbs. (to Squire and Mrs. Chesterton, who 
make a movement to retain him) Pardon me 

(Bows and exit c.d.) 

Squire. Well, that's what I call an extraordinary fellow ! 

Pater. By many degrees the most complicated individual I ever 
fell in with ! 

Squire. Who is he? What is he ? 

Pater. What is he? You mean, what isn't he ? I dare say I shall 
be in a minority, but it's my firm belief that this mysterious unknown 
i3 little better than he should be. He walks into the house, makes 
himself quite at home, then pretends to take offence at something or 
other, tells a cock and a bull story about his friend, John Dobbs, and 
then walks out again \(shouting) Where are the spoons ? 

Mrs. C. Pshaw ! 

Lucy. Ridiculous! 

Squire. Absurd ! 

Enter Major, c.d. 

Maj. (slapping Paternoster on the back) Here I am again ! 

Pater, (starting) I wish you wouldn't! (aside) I thought 'twas 
t'other chap come back. 

Squire. Ah, Major — I'm glad to see you back again. 

Maj. I might have spared my ride altogether, for I found the mat- 
ter rested entirely with the civil power. It seems that a highly talented 
and accomplished adventurer, after a succesful season in the metropolis, 
is now levying his contributions on the simple inhabitants of Canter- 
bury and its vicinity 

Pater, (as if struck with an idea) Ha ! 

Maj. However, the police are after the fellow. They'll soon have 
him. 

Pater, (shouting) He's here — we have him ! I mean, he was here, 
and we might have had him ! 

Maj. Who? 

Pater. He! him! our mysterious unknown, our interesting 
•tranger, who's no more a painter, a musician, a doctor, a lawyer, 
a sailor, a moon-chaser, a steeple-raker, than I am. No, no — 
he's the talented adventurer — he's the accomplished swindler — 



20 JOHN DOBBS. 

or else he's a policeman in plain clothes. In either case, as I said 
before, where are the spoons ? (during this speech Mrs. Chester- 
ton retires up, and sits at table , looking off, c.D.) 

Squire. Zounds, Paternoster, your croaking has infested me. I 
begin to have my doubts about the young gentleman. 

Mrs. C. (looking off c.D.) Eh ! yes~it is ! I see him returning 
towards the house again, (coming down r. of Paternoster) What 
can he be coming back for ? 

PA.TER. The forks! 

Ma j. If my suspicions are excited, I shall certainly arrest him. 

Dobbs. (without l.h.) Surely I should know that gallant grey ? 

Maj. (struck by the voice) Heyday! 

Pater. Here he comes — let's be firm ! (getting behind Major.) 

Enter Dobbs, c.d. 
— Now seize him ! 

Maj. (seeing Dobbs.) Eh? no — yes, it is! 

Pater. Now he's beginning ! 

Dobbs. (to Major) My dear Frankman! 

Maj. Delighted to see you, my dear Captain! (they retire up, 
shaking hands.) 

Pater. Captain ! I can't stand this! I feel myself rapidly settling, 
down into a state of incipient insanity. 

Mrs. C. (to Paternoster) Now what have you to say for your- 
self, sir ? 

Lucy. You've made yourself sufficiently ridiculous, I think ! 

Squire. You must admit you've rather put your foot in it ! 

Pater, (in a plaintive tone) That's right — don't spare me — kick 
me now I'm down ! (Dobbs and the Major advance.) 

Dobbs. (to Major) This is indeed an unexpected pleasure ! 
Your pardon, ladies — but when I tell you that Frankman and I 
haven't met since we fought side by side at Moodkee 

Pater, {aside) Mookey ! Where's Mookey ? I think it's in 
Northamptonshire ! 

Maj. (to Dobbs) But how the deuce is it I find you here? 

Squire. Oh, I'll tell you all that over a bottle of Burgundy, (to 
Dobbs) You'll join us ? 

Major and Squire go out c.D. 

Dobbs. Immediately, (to Mrs. C.) Mrs. Chesterton will not 
forget our consultation — business, of course, must be attended to. 

Mrs. C. Excuse me — I must retire 

Dobbs. And despatch your letter to poor Dobbs. 

Mrs. C. I confess, sir, the fact of his being your friend has in a 
great measuse removed 

Dobbs. Your prejudices ? I mean, your dislike. Shall I tell 
him £o? 

Mrs. C. Yes — no? 

Dobbs. Then entrust the letter to me, madam-~it will be precisely 
the same thing as giving it to him. 

Mrs. C. (giving letter f pnd with hesitation) You may tell him — 
that — I've no wish whatever to break his heart ! 



all Uoo/eseiun. 

♦WtingHil! 
Hand, 



JOHN DOBBS* 21 

Pater, (coming down between them) Exactly. Tell him we none 
of us wish to break his heart ! Go and deliver the letter immediately. 

Go along 

Enter Major, c.d. 

Major. Now, my dear Dobbs — are you coming ? 

Mrs. C. Dobbs ! 

Lucy. Dobbs! 

Pater. Dobbs ! (starts off c.d. and drags on the Squire down 
to front, pointing to Dobbs) Dobbs ! 

Squire. Lor ! 

Major. What is the matter? What have I done t 

Dobbs. Been a little premature — that's all, my dear Major ! So, 
egad, we must drop the curtain before the farce is half over, (looking 
round him) Bless me, how astonished you all look. Ha, ha ! And yet 
it's no fault of mine. I never said I wasn't Dobbs, did I ? And what 
if I am John Dobbs, son of old Dobbs, that doesn't prevent r jeing 
something of a doctor, eh, Squire ? or having a taste p .iting — 

(looking at Mrs. C.) — or music, (to Lucy) Neither noes it prevent 
my wearing Her Majesty's uniform — or above all, riding " old Moon- 
chaser at our last steeple rake — eh, Buttons? (giving Paternoster 
a blow in the side. Paternoster crosses to l. and Squire to c.) 

Squire. Egad, I begin to smell a Tat, you young dog ! Hang me, 
if you haven't taken us all in ! 

Mrs. C, Yes, sir — your vengeance is indeed complete. 

Dobbs. Nay, madam, I sought no vengeance — no retaliation. My 
motive was, I trust, a higher one — that of removing unworthy preju- 
dices. 

Squire. And you've succeeded, as far as I'm concerned, for you're 
a damned clever fellow ! 

Pater. A regular trump ! I never read the History of England, but 
I don't believe it contains such another Dobbs ! 

Dobbs. Squire, do you know this letter ? (shews letter) 

Squire. Yes,«— that's Mary's answer to— 

Dobbs. Mr. John Dobbs, declining the "distinguished honour of 
his acquaintance" — ha, ha ! 

Squire. Now, damn it, none of your laughing ! Hark ye ! if I had 
a dozen daughters, damme, if you shouldn't marry them all ! 
(crosses r.) 

Dobbs. (to Mrs. C.) Shall I read the letter, Mary ? (Mrs. Ches- 
terton takes it, tears it to pieces, and lets them fall to the ground) 
Thanks — Thanks ! (kissing her hand.) 

Pater. Holloa ! Holloa ! Very well, ma'am ! you'll take the conse- 
quences. Remember, Paternoster versus Chesterton 

Dobbs. You forget Grigsby versus Bigsby, to say nothing of Hop- 
kins versus Popkins — indeed, the late Lord Mansfield, in the case of 
Hobson versus Dobson 

Pater. Pooh ! Pooh ! But perhaps Miss Lucy will profit by the ex- 
ample of her elder sister (offering his hand.) 

Major. I trust she will. May I hope ? 

Lucy. I capitulate ! (giving her hand to Major ) 

Pater. Oh, damn it — I must marry somebody: 



J 



22 JOHN DOBBS. 

Dobbs. I'll find you a wife. 

Pater. Will you ? Well, it isn't everybody I'd trust— but as yon 
can do everything 

Dobbs. Do you mean that ? (to the Audience) Ladies and Gentle- 
men — you hear what he says ? But you know there is one thing I 
cannot do without your assistance, namely— secure a favourable ver- 
dict for "John Dobbs." 

Squire. Mrs. C. Dobbs. Pater. Lucy. Major. 

B. *.. 

Curtain. 



«*iXS!>«HCe eacll— l*esl-free, and of all Bookseller*. 



r OLUME 16. 
?isu out ox Water 
Moving Tale 
j.-n Bolt 
ielyMitaof3cean 
.Ise and Constant 
'Friend the Major 
x Boy 
hted Being 
ng too Fast 
lia's Supper 
d of 4i) Foot- 
lanche [steps 
»et of Interest 
,aa Fide Travel- 
neymoou [lers 
LUME 17. 
jc3 of Comfort 
of Oheron 
\. Blue Beard 
of France 

Dwarf 
- (The> 
ay Belle 
Hassan 
ivating Sam 
ugh Diamond 
-od for Nothing 
t for Tat 
od Little Wife 
posite Neighbours 
aree Musketeers 
OLUME 18. 
Wonderful Woman 
ly Wife's Diary 
v Neighbour'sWife 
ecret Ajjent 
ame of Romp3 
ke that Girl Away 
HI "11 * (Opera Is 
i*( Drama) 
of Toledo 
rid Juliet' 
ker's Hat 
Shorediteh 
Ground 
nneri n 
he Watch 
[E 19. 
3 ranch 
and Beast 
ard (Locks 
iwithGolden 
and Iqhi- 
io (geuia 
>le Prince 
> of Jewels 
harming 
f Peacock 
lappyLand 
& Ariadne 
g Beauty 
ifthe Frogs 
>range Tree 
vlE 20. 
Daughters 
isfophanes 
at Homo 
Fleece 
& Percinet 
>ur Tongue 
ae Momiag 
.at Aunt 
art's Idol 
j the Mill 



296 Trish Post 

297 Pride of the Mat ret 
29SQueen Mary's Bower 

299 Cabinet Question 

300 Lost Ship 

VOLUME 21 

301 Court Beauties 

302 Village Tale 

303 Romantic Idea 

304 Beggar's Opera 

305 Only a Clod 

306 Seven Champions 

307 Enchanted Forest 

308 Mistress of the Mill 

309 First of May 

310 Day of Reckoning 

311 Love Humble Life 

312 Dream of Future 

313 Chain of Events 

314 Ladyin Difficulties 

315 Promotion 
VOLUME 22 

316 Morning Call 

317 Hay market Spring 
Meeting 

318TooMuchofaGood 
Thing [Deep 

319 Still Waters Run, 

320 Henry the Eighth 

321 Garrick Fever 

3 22 Buckstone's Ad- 
venture with a 
Polish Princess 

323 Dowager 

324 Young Widow 

325 Helping Hands 

326 Stranger [Getting 

327 How Stout You're 

328 She Would and 
She Would Not 

329 Only a Halfpenny 

330 Mountain Sylph 

VOLUME 23 

331 Black Doctor 

332 Jack She mard 

333 Dumb Belle 
331 Hamlet 

335 Sergeant's Wife 

336 My Wife's Mother 

337 Who Speaks First 

338 Black Ey'd Susan 

339 Four Sisters 
340 Man of Many 

Friends [ment 

341 Petticoat Grvern- 

342 Wandering Mins- 

343 Noemie [trel 

344 Waterman 

345 Little Treasure 
VOLUME 24. 

346 Don't Judgeby ap- 

347 Slow Man[pearance 

348 Heir at Law 

349 Evadne 

850 Spring and Antumn 

351 20 Minutes with a 

352 White Cat [Tiger 
853Catching aMermaid 
354 Give a Dog a Bad 
155 Co«yCouple[Name 

356 Queen of 8pades 

357 Discreet Princess 
*58 £5 Reward 

359 Twice Killed [fairs 



360 Urgent Private Af- 
VOLUME 25 

361 Mephistopheles 

362 OldHouse atHome 

363 JealousWife 

364 Merchant of Venice | 

365 John Jones 

366 Great Gun Trick i 

367 Child of Regiment; 

368 ChevalierSt George ; 

369 Comedy & Tragedy { 

370 SheStoopstoConrjur 

371 ReturnofWanderer 

372 Wonder 

373 Prince for an Hour 

374 Peter Wilkins 

375 As You Ltke It 
VOLUME 26. 

376 Victor Vanquished 

377 Lucky Horse Shoe 

378 Jersey Girl 

379 DoneonBothSides 

380 laYearsLabourLost 

381 DumbMaoManch- 

382 Evil Genius [ester 
3s3 Crown Prince 

381 Giralda [of Woman 
3S5 Rignrs and Wrongs 
386 Farmer's Daughter 
337 In for a Holy day 
388 Romance under 

Difficulties 
339 Paddy Carey 

390 O'Flannigan and 
the Fairies^-- 
VOLUME 27. 

391 Retribution 

3D2 Conjugal Lesson^ 

393 Medea, (vidual 

394 Fascinating Indi- ; 

395 School for 8canJgfH 

396 i wo Heads better ; 

397 Irish Doctor (than 1 



398 Match Making 

399 Locked Out 

400 Prisouerof War 

401 Pizarro^than One j 
102 More Blunders 

403 Tufelhausen 

404 Lady of the Came- 

405 ChhellcK_ (llias 
" YOLUME 28 

406 Perdita [Dream 

407 MidsummerNights ' 
108 Man withlronMask 
409 8econd Love 

110 Busy Body (Times 
4ll I'll Write to the 
1 1 2 Doing the Hansom 

413 Bride of Lamer- 

41 4 White Farm (moor 

415 Ben the Boatswain 
116 Sent to the Tower 
417 Our Wife- 
ly Bamboozling 

419 Monsieur Jacqaes 

420 Lucille 
VOLUME 29. 

421 Young&Handsorae 

422 Harlequin Aladdin 
123 Conrad and Medora 
424 Family Failing(A) 
4 25 Crinoline 

*26 Captains not aMise 
4 27 Housekeeper 



l28Night atNottingHilf 

429 Bird in the Hand, 
worth two in the Bush 

430 Jews Daughter 

431 Ruth Oakley 
i32DumbMaidofGenoa 

433 Fraud ft its Victims 

434 Angel or Devil 

435 GwynnethVaugbae 
VOLUME 30 

436Life'3Trial[therhead 
437MyFriendfromLea . 
438 Queen of Arragon 
439Spleu;lidInvestment 

440 Lend me 5*. 

441 Castle Specire 
442KingO'TooleKGooge 

413 Lord Lovell and 
Nancy Bell 

444 Don't lend your 
• Umhrella 

445 Wicked Wife 

446 Cfcniet Family^ A 

447 Charles 2nd. 

448 A* a: aura 

449 Momentum* Qne«tiae 
45u Robert Mafaire 

VOLUME Ti 

451 DouhleFace iPeople 

452 Fear!"uiTraaedy,in 

453 Douglas [the7Diali' 

454 Governors Wife 

455 Kiiu Lsar [hi«Ca«il« 

456 Englishman's H'mw 

457 BearHanie'r* I [Monkey 

458 Jack Robinson & his 
459Roben the Devil(Opera) 
4G0 Lugartothe Mulatto 

461 My Son Diana 

462 Husband for an Hon* 

463 Sarah's Young Man 
46i Lillian Gervawe 
4:65 Sarah the Creole 

VOLUME 32. 

466 Mane Dncange 

467 Jenny Poster 

468 Wilful Murder 

469 Omnibus (The,) 

470 Rakes Progress 

471 Loves Telegraph 

472 Norma (Opera. )ls 

473 Venice Preserved 

474 Masaniello (Olympie 

475 Victims 

476 Jeannette's Wedding 

477 William Tell Tratestie 
473 Frederick of Prussia 

479 Marble Bride 

480 Was I to Blame! 

VOLUME 33. 

481 Q t. Mary's Eve 

482 Friend Waggle* 

483 Michael Erie 

484 Marrha Willie 

485 Nothing to Nurs* 

486 Leading Strings 
437 Sudden Thoughts 
188 Rival*. 

489 Drapary Question 

490 A Serious Affair 

491 Two Gay Deceiver* 

492 Jewess 

493 Lady of the Lake. 

414 Oliver Twist 
495 Pair of Pigeons (A 



I 






Mrs. Crowe's Play — The Cruel Kindness, 6d. 



SiX?E!MOE %kGH~PosS-free,and afatt BooUd 



VOLUME 84. 
49$ Elfen Wareham. 
497 Brother Ben 
493 Take Care of Dowb.— 

499 What will they say at 
Bromptoa 

500 London Assurance Is. 

501 Lalla Rookh 

502 Unfinished Gentleman 

503 Boots at the Swan 

504 Harlequin NoveUy 

505 Dead Shot 

506 Irish Tiger 

507 Day well Spent 
508Cnrefor Heart Ache | 
509 Wandering Boys 

310 Lady of Lyons Travestie 

VOLUME 35. 
511 Love Knot 
5l*2Much ado aba* tNothing 

513 Ticklish Times 

514 Lucky Hit (A) 

515 Faint Heart never 

won Fair Lady**, 

516 Double Dummy 

517 Spectre Bridegroom 

518 Birth Place of Podgert. 

519 Crossing the Line 

520 Children of the Castle 

521 Nothing venture 

nothing- win 
522 Fra Diavolo Burlesque 

523 Margaret CaU-hpoie 

524 My Wife* Deotist 

525 Schoolfellows 

VOLUME 36. 

526 Marriage a Lottery 

527 Your Likeness One 
Shilling 

5£S Pluto and Proserpine 

529 Samuel in Search of 

530 TwelfthNi rfa t, r KimseM 
581 Doubtful Victory (A) 
So? S loose Exchange (The) 
533 Bride of Abydo 8 

(burlesque) 
-5S4 Ginsj Farmer 
S35 Veteran of 10*2 The ) 
526 Dying for Lov»«— 
887 Pierett* 
S3 8 Irish Tctor 



539 Woodmin'af 
54QKingReae's 
VOLUME 
541 Going to the 
543 Elixer ofLo 

543 Matrimony 

544 Going to the 

545 Last of the P 

546 Nell Gwynn 

547 Henry 4th, J__ 

548 Catherine Howar 

549 Sheep inWolfs Cloth 

550 Tempest (ing 

551 Bonnie Fishwife 

552 Maid and Magpie 

Burlesque 

553 A Twice Told Tale 

554 My Aunt's Husband 

555 "Wooing in Jest&c. 
VOLUME 36 . 

556 Tide of Time 

557 Little Savage 

558 Jessie Brown 
55 9 Harold Hawk 

560 Othello Travestie 

561 King John 

562 Old Honesty 

563 33 Next Birthday 
£64 Porter's Knot 

565 Vun'CharlouesMaid 
556 Kenilworth Burlesq. 
567 Woman of World 
56S Milliner's Holiday 

559 Rule of Tbree 
Poor Pilhcoddv 
VOLUME 39. 
A Life's Rerenge 
iron Chest 
Captain Charlotte 
Y..ung Mother 
Nervous Man 

576 Henry the Fifth 

577 Poor Gentleman 

578 Midnight Watch 

579 Sai ana? 

580 child of the Wreck 

581 RipVan Winkle(Op.) 

582 Catching an Heiress 

583 Vandyke Brown 

584 Jane Shore 

585 Electra 



_Jj8SS 

,»S. RY 0F CONGRESS 




57a 



571 
572 
573 
5?4 
575 



014 528 446 6 



596 Julias Caesar 

597 Three Cackoos 

598 Whitefriars 

599 Rifle Volunteers 

500 Nine Point* of the aw 
VOLUME 41. 

601 Olympic Revels 

602 Olympic Devils 
6>3 Deep Deep >ea 

604 Caught by the Ears 

605 Retained'for Defence 

606 If the Cap fits— 

607 How's yoar Uncle 

608 Three Red Men 

609 Tom Cringle 

610 School for Ccquett 

611 Ruthven 

612 Babes in the Wood 

613 Water Witches 

614 Pavableon Deman 

615 Old Offender (An) 

VOL.42. 

616 Extremes Is. 

617 Road to Ruin 

618 House or the Home 

619 Artful Dodge 

620 Chevalier MasonRouge 

621 John Bull 

622 Love and Fortune 
r>23 Rifle & how to use it 

624 Love and Hunger 

625 Peggy Green (Nature 

626 Too much tor Good 

627 Virginus Burlesque 

628 Dick Tnrpin 

629 MrfgicToys 

630 Hnivei «he unknown 

VOLUME 43. 

631 The Fool's Revenge Is. 

632 Husband 10 order 



Vii 

Ni 

Ev 

Shs 

Go 

t Ra 

W Tell 

o*6 Ny 

644 Al 

615 Ja> 






The Comical Tragedy of 
PUNCH AND JUDY 

With 24 Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIK8HANK 
account of its origin and history. — One Shilling* 

Memoirs of RICHABD^LJl^~SHIEL, Orato 
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